when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
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[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
how long have you had this for?
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.