[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
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This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Happy thanksgiving!
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Super Hand Dog Face
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?