Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
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I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no