ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
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[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
the simulation is moving too fast
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?