me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
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*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
broke down and did it
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.