ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
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I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.