ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
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Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT