Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
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Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
😅🤣😂
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t