Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
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Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.