Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
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Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Received some very disappointing news today
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
😅😅😅
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.