Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
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I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.