This is sending me to another galaxy
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I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.