Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
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It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
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My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.