ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
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me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
*offers Batman cough drops*
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.