me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
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So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
seems like a niche market