Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
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Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
The Sun’s probably Asian.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?