ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
You Might Also Like
“Why you watching this shit?”
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series