ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
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Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.