Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
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Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
plums roundup
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
I don’t make the rules sorry
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”