Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
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“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
When your parents check you’re ok.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
s
oc
i
a
l
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]