Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
You Might Also Like
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please