Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
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Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.