me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
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Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
How to find Kentucky on a map
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.