me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
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Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.