me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA