Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
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I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.