Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
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I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
hmm conte-me mais
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Am I having a stroke?
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.