Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
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KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
stand with me against insufficient seating
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Saturday
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately