Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
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I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
fired
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.