Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
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Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding