Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
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The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Every time my phone rings
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
😍😂🥰😂😍
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?