Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
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i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Cinematography is my passion
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*