*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
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*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
I am a gravy boat captain
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry