Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
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There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Hit me in the face with a bird
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan