Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
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I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
seems fine
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased