Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
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there will never be a funnier headline than this one
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
New mindset, who dis?
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach