*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
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Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut