I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
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Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy