When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
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Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
My son鈥檚 blood type is parmesan.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Husband of the year 馃槀
I don鈥檛 think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
everywhere a sign. 鈿狅笍
Given the American diet, don鈥檛 you think we鈥檇 have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs