Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
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There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.