Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
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Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.