My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
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KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
I am all good here, 😂😉
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
choose your fighter
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.