[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
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I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.