ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
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Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.