Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
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ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Do not levitate over flowers