ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
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My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.