ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
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I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Wasps: bees, but not helping
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop