Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
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Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or