Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
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A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
A double negative is a big no-no.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years: