Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
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Twitter fine art
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
thank god the sign was there
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?